BREAKTHROUGH.

We don't have any of this figured out. We probably never will. I think Type 1 Diabetes will always be a game where just when you think you have something figured out, it changes. A game where just when you think you have something under control, it changes. A game where the rules change every single minute. A game that you will never ever be able to win. 

Some days this all still feels brand new. Other days it feels like we've been in the Type 1 world since the dinosaurs roamed the earth. It's an exhausting world. It's a lonely world. It's a world that pushes you to your limits on a daily basis. It's a hard world. 

It's a world where you are forever balancing being a parent and being a substitute pancreas. It's a world where you have to constantly decide if you need to step in or if you need to let your child figure things out on their own. It's a world where you have to constantly check if this is a moment where you offer words or offer a hug. 

All I want to do is make my daughter's life as easy as possible where her Diabetes is concerned so that she can have the best and longest life possible. All I want is for her to feel like a normal 13 year old. As normal as she possibly can anyway. I don't want her to feel singled out. I don't want her to feel like her Diabetes defines her. I want her to go on sleepovers. And out for pizza or ice cream with her friends. I want her to feel secure and capable as she participates in after school activities and volunteers at church on the weekends. I want her to enjoy life to the fullest.

I say all that, yet it's been two years and I still go to bed afraid every night. What if we miss a low? What is she has a seizure? What if she doesn't wake up in the morning? I worry when she goes to school. I wonder if I need to leave my job so that I can take this beast on full time. Because this beast is a full time job in and of itself. But I love my job. It's my personal oasis; it's my space where I can be myself for a little while. So instead, I spend my commute listening to Type 1 podcasts. I spend my evenings reading books and articles. I spend my spare time looking at charts and graphs asking myself where we went wrong and how can we do it better tomorrow. I am continually looking for ways to ease this burden for my daughter--now and into her future. 

I do wish I would've kept a journal to document our journey though. To document my feelings. To document Addison's feelings. To document our experiences. I think I am finally feeling ready to do that now. I am finally ready to really learn about Type 1 Diabetes rather than just manage the highs and lows. I am ready to document and to remember and to even share our story. I am ready to find my little corner of the T1 world; to find my contribution. I am ready for my own personal breakthrough. I figure if others can be determined enough to find amazing breakthroughs such as carb counting and the discovery of Insulin, surely I can be determined enough to find my own breakthrough and move from merely surviving to actually thriving. (which, by the way, if you've never read Breakthrough, you should. it's a great book.) 

So in this space I will be sharing what we are learning. What has worked for our family. What we love to eat. What we're feeling. What we're trying. What we're doing. How we're living and trying to thrive in This Type One Life.